Forest4TheTrees

Merry Christmas! (I remembered I have a blog!)

2011-12-22T22:42:00.000-08:00

Blah blah blah de bla- Ooh, Dexter is on!

2011-07-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm dancing a choreographic display of doing the daily thing. Work, sleep, recover from being sick, work. Rinse and repeat. But I've also taken to looking forward to TV shows with a troubling intensity. These things are the two dancers squiring me across the floor of life right now. Functionality and TV to get by. Lovely...
But Dexter is awesome. I'm catching up on all the previous episodes which has been a real delight. If someone mentions another show, I'm ridiculously piqued in interest and reaching for the On Demand button. I can't share how much the cable bill is right now - it's kind of embarrassing.
You know, though - I'm at least making it through having some health issues without any time off, which is something to be thankful for. And in the Pacific Northwest, our weather resembles the hibernation of the winter - chilly, rainy, dark days that are better suited for huddling inside and seeking comfort. So the environs match the motivation right now.
I'm wrapping up Season 4 and looking forward to Outcasts (still giving that a shot) and TrueBlood on Sunday. When does The Walking Dead come back, anyway?! :D

Releasing The Ties That Bind

2011-06-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."
Mumford & Sons

It appears that I am bound by my conceptions. I don't want to cut these ties that are holding me because sometimes they hold me together. But at this time, I am bound by them. So I need to untie them for a bit and proceed.

I'm sitting in the clinic, struck by loss. Surriya, the doctor's mother in law, has passed away. She was beautiful - a radiant person with a smile and courage as she fought cancer. We had a connection - I think I loved her upon first meeting her. I haven't been able to grieve these past two weeks since she passed because I'm holding down the fort at the office and it's once again a person with whom I am peripherally involved but has strongly impacted my recent life. She brought persimmons from home when she visited. I loved to see her smile. And I've kept a pink sweater that is three times too small because she thought I would like it. Once again, someone who shows everyone with whom they interact a gentle, shining soul is gone, and I have to absorb how their impact on me can be turned into something good as a tribute.

It's Father's Day tomorrow, and for some reason it's hard this year. Actually, I know why. I'm going to pick up the sword and make a run through the gauntlet. Dad's life's work - I can't put it off any longer or it will fade away. I don't know how long it will take me to work through the codes, research the historical references, and apply the information. I suspect I have two to three books on my hands. Or on my head, really. Taking a deep breath...

I know just four months ago I posted about how I can't wait for the time when I have nothing to do. School ended two months ago and I'm falling into a dank well of self-recrimination. It's good that I had time to identify that my aspirations aren't about accolades or a tally sheet to justify my existence. I just can't drink the mundane waters of 'getting by' and thrive. I diminish.

So now I have to acknowledge that I need these outlets - all of them. I will never choose just one thing to do and do it really well. I will flail; I am a Cat o' Nine Tails hitting several targets at once. And if it's never a bullseye, it's okay because I'm still taking down the enemy: Complacency.

That's a part of who I am. Just like falling in love with people, even when I don't feel as though I have expressed that love or gotten enough time with them. Whomever is involved in my life is loved.

Today I will pull the cord and let the ties fall to the floor. I'll be back for them later.

The Dissociative Order

2011-02-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

So the first half of my grant certificate went pretty well, though it was exhausting. Whereas my excitement for school had burned like the sun at the outset, it slowly faded to a mere glimmer before the 'break' between semesters, and it's only growing dimmer as we've stumbled out of the first month of the year.
And honestly, it's more like we escaped the beginning of this year, much as though it were the seediest, grimiest, most disgusting club in a bad neighborhood. You know the kind; you wander in for a quick drink and it's so dark that you can't see the filth & menace around you until you're at the bar and question if the bartender is the same species. Then, you try and fail to escape its gravitational pull of despair, so in desperation you hurl yourself toward the door and pray that the detritus strewn about the floor doesn't wrap up your ankle and do a Hotel California on your ass.
2011 has not been fun so far. Keefe had the pneumonia at the end of December during the break between semesters (Merry Christmas!) and we've lost a friend, Zach, at the beginning of January. And it is a loss; there's so many things that we had planned: Gally, Doctor Who viewing parties, Keefe's shows, and to try and set up another Doctor Who event here in Seattle. But mainly it's the fact that he was such a sweet guy who had so many interests and took so much interest in others that it is a loss keenly felt.
Every year that passes tallies another person that moves on. As we grow older, how each of us deals with death is impacted by the circumstances of these losses and the circuitous paths that we travel in grief. I've heard from a few people who knew Zach purely from online interactions as well as those who partied with him at Gally and were friends on Facebook. Some seem to think that they don't have as much right as others who interacted with him face-to-face to mourn his passing. But that's ridiculous.
Does this mean that coworkers have no right to mourn the passing of a fellow employee? Working in the same building and interacting for an hour or so per day or week means that you get to know someone - and if it's someone like Zach, you'll be touched by them. Kids, Facebook and online forums are like that - you are interacting once a day or week, hearing about plans, dreams, or even just shooting the breeze. Add the fact that you see that person once a year (or even a couple of times) at an intense event like Gally and you're more than a face in the crowd.
Our world is changing, but it has also changed already. Most of us interact online and spend a percentage of time interacting with other human beings in that forum. It's legitimate to make connections with people you don't even see but with whom you have continuous contact and to feel something for them. It's if you don't that should raise some eyebrows.
Wow, guess I had something to say about that. I've actually deleted quite a bit as I went all ranty. Not only about the validation of emotion in online interactions, but the fact that grief is not linear - the biggest disservice is the popularization of the perception that there are stages to grief. It makes it feel like a process that, once you've touched upon each stage like a stone in a pond, you shouldn't have to worry about falling in again. But it's not so easy; you can skip all the way across the pond and then see someone's photo and fall right back into it. You can jump from denial to anger and make it all the way to acceptance until you talk with a mutual friend and then you're jumping on the anger stone again.
But we seem to need a way to distance ourselves from these emotional rides, so we identify, categorize, and attempt to make sense of things that are inherently non-sensical intellectually and can only be sensed, experienced. It's like we want a membership card for the Dissociative Order so we can operate in spite of our frailties. This past month, I nearly applied to join.
There are no trumpets when we close out our life that signal success. Time marches on. People move on. Zach's memorial was beautiful and let us know how active he was at work, at church, in Doctor Who, with soccer & the Sounders, in his community, with Transformers - but he never let anyone feel as though he didn't have time for them. He came to Keefe's shows as though he had nothing else to do on a Friday or Saturday night. He chatted on the phone when I called, never seeming as though it wasn't a good time for babble. When the time came at the memorial for people to say something about him, the shyness was overtaken with anecdotes of things he had done and people he had influenced for the better. And I realized that I could do better. Not only with people but with my perception of what I want my life to be. I've been processing this for a couple of weeks. Chewing on it in my subconscious.
And while I have, apathy has made a strong case to me - it's amazing how insidious it can be. Procrastinating homework, ignoring the paperwork at the office, and throwing all of my toys into the craft room again and closing the door without a twinge. All I can think of is getting done with school and not doing more for a while, getting done with projects that have loomed over my head as I put everything on hold for school, and not having to DO anything for a bit.
It would be great if this was the product of a revelation, but it is the symptom of processing. Not too many times in my life have I succumbed to this, and thankfully there was a sunny day today showing all the promise of Spring to shake me awake. What the hell did I almost do?! There is a sweet feeling to melancholy and a lethargy that lulls you when you're in the throes of apathy. It feels as goodbad as having cake and ice cream at midnight, alone except for The Return of the King and the far off mutterings of one's conscience.
So I lean in a bit and hear it calling. Focus. Stay on target. But my target changed. It's like the Death Star went into hyperspace and my third eye knew exactly where it had gone, but the X-Wing couldn't follow. My S-coils are still locked and ready to fire - so I pause. I regroup.
There is no ribbon at the end ~ hell, there's no finish line because death is not a conscious state. What I do or what I don't do is answerable only to me as long as I draw breath. I've come to a partial realization of this once or twice before, acknowledging that I should enjoy the path or it is not worth traveling, and that experiences are more important than accomplishments. I don't have a C.V. that I need to hand to anyone, a summary of my life's successes to justify admittance or even my existence. What I have, is a responsibility to myself to be happy.
So once again, I'll turn my eyes to the joy to be found in life, in others, and experience everything I can while I can do so. This means I can have my cake [and ice cream] and eat it, too.

2010-12-02T22:29:00.001-08:00

I'm a big Star Wars fan. And by fan, I really am intending the original usage of the word, a shortened version of 'fanatic.' Quicker to say, but supposed to convey a level of interest that goes beyond a passing appreciation and into the realms of reference quoting, multiple viewings, and overbearing exuberance.

So when Lester Brown begins to discuss in this week's video the current perception held by a lot of people in relation to sustainability, I began to think of a little 900 year old Jedi master. Mr. Brown was detailing the verbiage commonly used when considering the options of sustainability, namely a phrase of something being 'more sustainable' or 'less sustainable.' I immediately heard it in my head: "Do, or do not. There is no try."

To me, sustainability is not a platform-defining political buzzword to be bandied about in hopes of getting the greenies on board. Nor is it another compromise extended to the masses or a great new angle for advertising. To sustain is to do more than just maintain; we're not trying to keep a status quo. There is not an easy way out here. The goal of sustainability is to equilibrate - achieve a balance. Balance implies a natural renewability that does not require outside influences in order to attain that status, and as such, sustainability is a state of being. In order to reach it, our civilization will need to change.

In Leading Change Toward Sustainability, Bob Doppelt conveys that the change necessary is to provide and protect our options. His example of the Northwest salmon was particularly apt to illustrate that sustainability requires more than one solution, and that the beginning steps involve reforming paradigms such as the financial and social benefits inherent in such change. Rather than relegating the philosophical goals of sustainability to the backburner as not being fiscally cognizant, it's important for the worldwide change toward sustainability be encompassing and inclusive in order to succeed.

It really is all about the "Community of Life" as identified in the Earth Charter. All that goes into a community, the people, the location, the goals and accepted behaviors therein, are to be invested in this new world vision. And to sustain that community is of utmost importance. We just have a bit of a drive ahead of us to get there, and one challenge is the communication of the vision.

With so many different definitions of sustainability, from the community idea to the more analytical interpretations, it's hard for people to grasp to what extent such a vast change is needed. Instead, we have social connotations assigned to the movement of hippies, greenies, etc. We have politics and international posturing to overcome. Yet what is clearly important at this critical stage is to clearly convey what we hope to achieve so that we can combat any misconceptions and begin to take meaningful steps at all levels to reach sustainability. For how can we inspire a worldwide restructuring that will affect governments and individuals, economics and religious beliefs, and in fact all aspects of society without a clear definition of what we need to do, why it affects us all, and really, why we cannot fail?

We don't have an X-wing stuck in the swamp to show how our tiny frame can move mountains with the power of our mind alone. But we must do, or do not. There is no try - because Earth doesn't get a sequel.

Conceptualizing a Reconnection

2010-11-09T09:46:00.001-08:00

Each raindrop seems so uniform; just part of the wall that's descending from the leaden sky as we are finally tossed into the season of Fall. The showers are varying from light to insistent, but in all cases, the rainy season has begun. So it's easy to contemplate water right now; we're enveloped by it in a meteorological sense, encapsulated by its presence around us.
All this week I've thought about rain and how it can be such a great example of perceived disconnection. Sitting in the living room and watching the cars outside, headlights illuminating the raindrops, their paths punctuated by the sound of the wheels on the wet pavement. Each raindrop appears to be separate, though it is traveling at the same rate, in the same direction, and reflects the same basic physical form as every other raindrop. Project members and proponents tend to do this; seem to be disconnected from the whole when in fact all are moving toward the same goal, so a dual existence is established, one separate, but still connected.
In a project, the members tend to operate from their own space. Maybe it's the whole 'every snowflake is unique' thing, but there are so many instances where this is the case, just like that rainwater that is perceived as separate raindrops.
We separate the oceans, though as William McDonough noted in this week's video, all of the oceans are part of one system, much like a 'toilet that doesn't flush.' We have different names for rivers and streams and lakes, though it's all the same water traveling through those conduits.
So if every goal to be achieved will have some disconnection between the phases of the project, perhaps a lesson is to be learned from the under-appreciated raindrop. It’s let loose from the sky, its existence then determined by the environment around it and anything that will interact with the raindrop.
This could also be the way to establish a project. The design of the project and launch could be exactly like a raindrop leaving the cloud; purposefully and without any fanfare. Since we have learned that an educational approach is not the most successful per the studies conducted, we know that frontloading a project with educational buy-in promotional trappings would be mainly ignored.
For this reason, though I would want to have some educational information available for a project, I wouldn’t need to address everything at inception. Instead, having the educational products be manufactured during creation of the project would help give cause for all invested project members to be involved and cooperating with one another. This would be applied as well to producing the follow-up information and continuation of the project.
Much like how raindrops converge upon striking a surface, pooling immediately, thus would the project members combine to become part of the whole again, which would ensure that the end result is more successful.

I Am The Sum Of My Endeavors

2010-09-05T03:35:00.000-07:00

And right now, my endeavors are play-oriented with one lightning-from-blue-sky caveat.
Mainly I'm having fun with Bejeweled Blitz. So here's a few life lessons from the game:

Don't always take the easiest path; it seems easier but you have to work twice as fast and your score will never be as high as when you think things through. Investment/Return.
On the other hand, don't overcomplicate things because you'll waste valuable time in planning, not execution.
Avoid getting caught up in your own glory when you're ahead; that moment of arrogance can cost you the critical connection that results in a windfall of combos.
When you start a new game, take a look around; that first few seconds of assessment will save you floundering later.
Make sure you cover all of the board that you can - working one area dry is at first too easy (see #1) and then too hard as you get stuck in one place.
Further, avoid becoming too obsessed about making a particular match since you could pass up on even better matches as you struggle to make that one combo happen.
If your hand slips and you move the wrong gem, don't brood about it - that's a waste of perfectly good time and that mistake could actually create an even better combo.
Never give up the game, no matter how bad it seems; there's more than one way to win (coins & badges), but there's only one way to lose.
Once you've gotten a few good combos, don't think the rest of the game will just come naturally; you may have to fight even harder to make connections for a bit but the diligence always pays off.
Give yourself a good mix of easy matches and strategy; keep going and watch out for those sweet opportunities that can push you to the next level.

But that opportunity thing happened - I was just wandering around the local community college website and stumbled across a grant that I spontaneously applied for and then...received. Eeep! Exciting stuff and a bit daunting as my path is once again laid out for me in the coming months. However, it's Energy Management and all about sustainability without compromising technological standards with a vein of physics yumminess. So I'm looking forward to it and wondering just how crazy I am to get into another new round of school with 60+ hours at the clinic.

Yet it's all about the experiences, right? Any time that I don't have something planned, I squander my free time anyway. So I might as well push the envelope and try to accomplish what I can with the time I have. There's just a tiny spark of hope that this could mean that I do something that has an impact; what a pretty little flame that could be...

Where did that year go? Oh, yes - Oxford

2010-03-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hey ~ that was a quick year. I had thought I'd posted at least once this past year after the last post and kept meaning to come back and check. But no.

Oxford obviously was a happy experience. The only residual sadness is that we couldn't go to England for me to collect my diploma, unfortunately. I don't have any backup at work and the trip would be either frustratingly frugal (hence no real touristy fun) or waaay too expensive.

Yet I am now trying to figure out the next step. Like always. After a major chapter closes and the horizon beckons with promise, I'm trying to fit the wings to my shoes so I can take off. But I haven't been able to identify what I can do for once.

Work is so draining - I have no energy for anything right now. I've hypothesized that it is the nature of existence right now (for a host of reasons, forthcoming) after checking in with a plethora of friends who report similar attitudes.

We have had quite a few major disasters and natural phenomena that have lent us a feeling of environmental unease coupled with a global economy that is just a dervish going for the table's edge. Spinning and spinning. Added to that are the rumbles of unrest between China & India, UK and Israel, US and China, Iran and Iran ~ you couple those with the regular heavy hitters of wars simmering in Africa and the Middle East and there is not a part of the world that is exonerated from political brow furrowing.

Our domestic fears engage from employment and housing markets that aren't stabilizing as much as we thought they would by now and, of course, the health care bill just being passed.

Speaking from one in the medical industry, we clapped on our blinders mid last year and have just peeked out now and again to see how the bill has changed. And it's been like clay, my friends. It was shaped with the public option and has been baked into a gambling tabletop with chips dancing and cards up sleeves. So much brokering has gone on that no one quite knows the implications, and like '93, I am sure (with every beat of my cynical little heart) that 980+B is a mild estimate and it will sound so much more effective than it ever will be.

HIPAA alone took 15 years to implement and is now accompanied by an eyeroll for all who have to deal with the clauses and regulations, which were common sense in origin and pure bureaucratic nonesense in execution. And since there is STILL usage of other provider identification numbers beyond NPI, the useful impact of this legislation to assist electronic billing and standardization is nullified. So what sort of trauma and terror awaits us now?

The credit card 'fix' last year resulted in the companies having enough time before implementation to discern creative new ways to gouge their customers. During the time it takes for the insurance companies to reel and roll with the new regs coming from this bill, they, too, shall have the opportunity to recoup their profits in more creative ways. Oh, wait. Nevermind. They already have with the requirement that small businesses carry the load for required insurance offerings. I haven't read the bill of course, but I don't recall there being any limit on the cost of these insurance plans that small businesses will now be required to subsidize. Oh, the modern American way. How fantastic.

Sorry - there are aspects of the bill of which I wholeheartedly approve such as making sure that the less fortunate in the country have medical care. That's the most important thing. Not only the homeless and poor, but those stuck in the middle that cannot apply for public assistance but aren't really getting by, either. I grew up in that atmosphere and it sucks. So I'm really glad that we're moving in the right direction.

But I'm really not keen on the idea that our deficit just keeps growing (which is funded mainly by China and has been tying our hands a bit too much lately on that front for my comfort - I hate being nervous about upsetting the foremost country of human rights violations) while we parcel out these substandard attempts at correcting our social issues. The economic bailout didn't patch the ship, it's just a bucket (albiet a very, very pricey one) that's shoveling water and debt into the ocean of America's economic landscape. And right now, health care reform is looking so much like health care rearrangement, just passing the responsibilities around to placate the masses and make our current government feel accomplished, that I'm disheartened.

So I guess my hypothesis for the level of apathy in myself and friends is that it's a social depression for which we're not yet getting counseling and taking our meds. My Rx is that we need more exercise as a holistic option: 1. Our minds need a daily workout ~ I need to stay involved in everything I can to keep my focus 2. We need to increase our endorphins through more smiles achieved each day ~ I need to make myself do the fun stuff instead of sacrificing the fun stuff to be productive. I just might find I can be more productive when I start having fun again! 3. Get outside and take advantage of the season ~ Spring is all about rebirth.

I've noted that the center will not hold. But I still find beauty in asymmetry, value reconstruction, and can make this work. I just don't know if I want to take part on a more public level yet or not.

Reasons of the Sun

2009-04-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

Oh, how happy Oxford has made me. Delving into these old documents and now, planning databases with all the obsessive joy that entails has been thrilling. I'm a sick woman.
But there are so many little gems that historians come across every day. Notes made in census logs that are completely random and extraneous, thereby fascinating insights into bias, social structure, and even just plain old gossip. The amazing transformations of surnames from simple occupation identifiers of the masses to new gentry. And oh! All those misspellings that lead you astray with their verisimilitude.
I had to share this one: Reasons of the sunne. In a probate record, all the possessions of a household are listed - valuables, mundane items, even household necessities and sometimes down to minutiae. It's actually: Raisins of the sun. How yummy; the description and the item itself!
But reasons of the sun instantly made me smile. To imagine the sun as an entity (much like the Doctor Who episode) with motivations unbeknownst to us is delicious. In the lower latitudes, the sun is warrior, dominator, cruel master. Farmland and median climates can portray the sun as a benefactor, grandfather, or earth's consort. Cold climes and nature worshiping areas of the world have thought the sun to be goodness, an enveloper, etc. Plenty of cultures of the world worship the sun and some think that all religions derive from sun worship. So to know the reasons of the sun within those connotations puts you in the mind of a diety.
But I really had a little grin for it because I imagined areas that don't get much sunshine supplicating a drowsy sun for explanations. The imaginary look of surprise on that personification of our system's star before stammering out a list of 'reasons' for the lack of sunlight is guffaw-inducing.
Man, I'm a Seattleite through and through!

A little Wordle for my Soul Pancake

2009-03-13T23:38:00.001-07:00

Damn you, Rainn Wilson! You have now given me so much techy writey joy joy that I'm not getting the four hours sleep I wanted this week!
Here's the Wordle for my poolside reflections:

Immersion to inversion

2009-03-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

It happens once in a while; you look askance and see things in a whole new light. Almost as though a shaft of heaven pierces the veil of normality around you and all takes on a golden glow. But no one else can see it. Just you. Maybe you wonder if your eyes cast a new sheen or if your skin swallows some of the glow and it begins to bubble like soda does in the back of your throat with a really good laugh. You might feel like, all of a sudden, it's all just too perfect. Too wonderful. But the best part of it is that you're not yet touched by the fear of loss that can accompany such a realization. You're still bathed in it; swimming with the tiny bubbles of 'now' that swell around you, expands within you, and hopefully, spills out of the pool when the light dims and you emerge, breathing in the air that tastes new because you have not been breathing it for a while.
I'm standing by the pool, seeing the light fade but holding the image in my mind and feeling my heart beat with joy that doesn't come from without but rather from within.
Because he smiled and he's so damned adorable and we've carved out an island for ourselves amidst this ocean of undercurrents.
I'm calm now. Not pensive or reflective or sad or fearful - I'm becoming the stillness of the pool after I've left it. The ripples becoming undulations that ease into swaying before the images of the world, where once fractured, begin to coalesce and become recognizable, though inverted and thereby revealing.
So I look. I see.

Pom Pom

2009-03-06T00:44:00.000-08:00

Just having a bit of Pom juice with my Lemon Chalet GS cookies. It was originally supposed to be Limonata soda, but I was greedy and sucked that down too quickly.
Much like life, lately. I'm running through experiences so fast that it's already nearing the close of the first quarter 09 and I didn't even have a handle on the end of last year yet. All these projects, aspirations - they all swirl around and I'm hoping they don't funnel down.
I'll post a Gally report soon. Always a blast! I'm hoping this becomes an annual thing. We've made such lovely friends there!
Around here, I've made two distinct, though happy, errors. I've joined Facebook and Fritter. I mean Twitter. I can waste two hours without noticing the time slippage on it. Talk about frittering away the evening. Both sites are like this. And yet how much fun to run around and read life journeys encapsulated in < 140 words on one and stay in touch with a true horde of friends on the other. It's so efficient that way - you'd think it would mean a savings of time. Instead, it just enables me to interact with even more people! It's a blissful issue.
So, onward! I'm off for a touch of paperwork (that should have been done hours ago) and then for bed. Sleep sucks. It's just so dang time consuming...

If I had a hammer

2008-12-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

There's a gentleman, we'll call him Kenny, who comes into the clinic for massage. He's developmentally disabled, with a combination of autism, mental retardation, and possibly other conditions of which I am unaware, and stands 6"3 with a heavy set physique. He's been coming here for years, infrequently, for massage, and looks forward to his visits. Lately, he's not been able to make it, so today was something he was looking forward to with extra expectation.
He comes in and needs a hug right away. Usually this is fine, but I'm a germaphobe, and last time he had just finished with some cheetos and left that incandescent yellow, slobbery powder on me. In the past, I've brought a change of scrub top just in case, but wasn't able to today. So this time, I had vowed I wasn't going to hug him, especially since I'm so slammed with the end of the year paperwork.
I was bouncing around, trying to work as fast as I could, and he took it in stride. And then he went to the restroom before his massage. He made a few strange noises, and I was so very alarmed; what was he doing in there? I told the massage therapist to double up the sheets in case he's not well and vowed I would clear him for massage by asking if he was sick. It's not a good idea to get a massage when you're ill, not only because you are undressed in a room for an hour and can't easily return to the restroom if needed, but also because it pushes the toxins through your system which amplifies the illness.
He came out of the restroom after washing his hands (germaphobes always listen to make sure that handwashing is complete - I've sent grown men back into the restroom if I don't hear that water. Sick, isn't it?) I was typing away, entering billing into the system that is way past due, and asked him if he was okay. He said no and looked away. I focused on him and his eyes were red and began to tear up.
"What's wrong?" I ask him and give him a hug like I should've done when he came in. He told me "these guys were mean to me - gave me a hard time" before he just turned his head into my neck and cried.
He rides the bus and rings the bell for Salvation Army, and is aware that his functioning in society is a testament to better social acceptance of the disabled. But right now, he's just wounded to the core because a group of kids thought it would be great to make fun of him.
"I'm so very sorry, honey," I told him, and rubbed his back during the hug. "You just forget about them, okay?" He nodded, still unable to speak. "You know how your phone message says that you'll be able to overcome all of this?"
He nodded again, as he lives in an assisted living home, he has his own apartment and advocates for better treatment of the disabled. He speaks and gets out there every day, doing his work, going to appointments, and riding the bus everywhere. So he's a representative of the cause and is all too aware that he's doing what he can to make this kind of thing better.
"Well, it will happen, okay? You just have to keep going. And I was too busy to give you a hug today..." He pulled back, and I smiled into his teary blue eyes.
"Yeah, I didn't want to bother you - you were busy."
"Were you crying in the bathroom?"
"Yeah." His eyes teared up again, and I gave him another hug.
"If that ever happens outside the clinic, you come in and tell me, okay? I'll talk to them -"
He pulled back again, standing up straight. "But I need to have an appointment to come here, don't I?"
"Yes, you do. I just mean if you're coming in to your appointment and that happens, you tell me. I'll be sure to tell them not to do it again." He came in for another hug.
"It's okay. It'll be okay. Right now, you just go in there and have a wonderful massage. Okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, okay." He wiped his eyes and smiled, went to give the massage therapist a hug, and went in to his appointment.
But I'm caught out here, unable to do the work that took precedence over a person, on the very day he needed a hug most. I'm angry and disappointed with myself, recognizing that the work was an excuse because I let my phobia overcome me to the harm of someone else. I'm always so self-congratulatory about loving everyone and then I fail so abysmally that I'm consumed with self condemnation.
I'm going to be lucky to muster the time and energy to volunteer with Kim at the Union Gospel Mission, and this terrible emptiness which I used to fill with volunteering has been filming over and hardening. I'm sick of questioning whether or not to donate to this or that, or to give that person on the side of road some cash because I know that the odds are against them actually needing it. I used to be angry at people abusing the system, and I still am because it means one less person who really needs it getting the help that can get them out of the cold. But I'm starting to see that this perspective keeps me from sharing, and hardens that core of my soul even more.
I need a shiny hammer and the guts to break things like complacency, fear, sloth, and the self indulgence that has been glazing me over before I get so hard that I can't move anymore.

Golden

2008-09-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, this wacky financial crisis. Isn't it fascinating to see the scramble of each party as they rally round the family? With a pocketful of shells for every sucker - oh, I mean voter - who has turned on the news today.

We got the president telling us in a folksy tone what a mess our economy has become. Mysteriously. Let's not point any fingers, especially at those who might be funding this boy's lifestyle post presidency. Oh, and I don't recall him moderating his language to avoid a panic - nope, it was definitely to cause one. Maybe everyone will dial their representatives and yell at them to vote for the bailout - hell, any bailout! - while they run to the banks. Good work, W!

Then we also get the Democratic reps releasing a news feed about how they've got this all figured out and will put a bill before Congress tomorrow. And no worries, folks! We're the majority, so it's a shoo in! Yep, that's right. No one can oppose us. This whole 'representative' thing doesn't mean we represent what those dopes - oops, voters - want, but rather what party they checked off on that ballot. So we'll send out a generalization of a petition under the guise of polling for opposition against golden handshakes for execs and use those names as voters who 'approve' a bill that we've not released yet. Brilliant!

Even better, the Dems are commenting on McCain's toddering over to the White House as a sign that he's getting desperate and trying to use the crisis as a campaign booster. Ummm...yeah. Like Obama's just sitting on his campaign bus preparing for the debate. Sure, McCain has had more face time with W, but that's no reason to be bitter. He's definitely trying to work this, but Obama is also trying to be engaged in the process. And come on - wouldn't we think less of them if they sat back at fundraising dinners and watched it on TV?

McCain just doesn't want to do the debate, though, so he's trying to make a case for the debate to be postponed 'during the crisis.' Really? You want to go there? It's bad enough that the press had to threaten to boycott the muzzled Palin meet and greet tour (coming soon to a city near you! Watch her talk animatedly with semi world leaders! See her nod and look touched and concerned all at the same time! Wish you could read lips because there's no sound!), but now you're going to give another signal that you have no confidence, this time in your own ability to talk without a script? Sheesh.

But, as amusing as today has been for me, I'm still peering over the cliff's edge. Houses in my neighborhood sit empty. We're cutting back on our expenses and trying to focus on paying down our debt. I'm beginning to doubt whether or not I should continue my schooling right now or take some time off in the light of the coming credit crackdowns. And yet, the Bush administration suggests that we just pat the heads of those individuals who have taken money from uninformed and misguided Americans and walked away laughing while those people stumbled under the weight of the consequence of their financial ignorance. And all of us will pay for the gilding of the handshake these companies will receive? I can only think of those houses, sitting empty, those lots of undeveloped land in my area that disillusioned Americans now pine for, and feel an overwhelming sense of betrayal.

The waves are crashing below us and the tide is coming in.

I Heart Me Some Chewbacca

2008-09-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hey, yeah - it's me. It is I. Gone for long enough that the two people who were reading my blog probably think I have disappeared into the ether, never to corporealize again. Hmm. Corporealize sounds in my head with a Texan accent. Oddness.

We were in Vegas a scant two weeks ago, Keefe and I. Had us some fun and wandered around the strip to have frozen drinks in ridiculously oversized mugs that lit up at the base, dinner at the Top of the World Restaurant (which was actually quite fabulous), and a good time by wandering around Vegas, opening entertainments like your close friend's cupboards to find some comfortingly familiar things and surprising new items. The best part was the burning passion that was kindled at the Hilton. I never thought my eyes would stray, but he just -

Well, he's big and strong and has these beautiful baby blues that just melt your heart, even while appreciating his dangerous side. Sure, if he were to ever come for a visit, I would need a plumber on standby to keep my drains clear, but there's just something about that little Wookiee yell that makes my heart flutter...

It was that yell that drew my eyes to the machine from halfway across the casino. So I prepared for some fun. I had just popped a twenty into the Star Wars slot machine, and hit one eensy little button. And there he was, and there, and again, yep - again, and I'm not IG-88ing you - AGAIN! Do you know what five Chewbaccas mean to me? Palpitations and a cool bean. I'm very small potatoes, so $100 is big to me. I danced around, got all giddy, posed for a picture, and then went to another machine. That one was tapped out, I thought to myself.

So I repeated the procedure - this time with a ticket worth $114.50 - hit my Max Bet, and bopped my head to the Williams' music magic and literally got chills when the next result was shown. There was a few more Chewbaccas in this arrangement as it was more than one line that hit, so it was worth $110! I was very calm this time (likely since I expected a full contingent of purple bunnies with camo and Uzis to morph out of the machine to take me away). I just looked at it, printed my ticket, and waited for Keefe to finish his current slotplay. But the calm wore off when no reality-challenging personificated animal life dripped into being around me, and I had to get another picture. I was so happy. So. Very. Happy.

And to console myself these past two weeks, when the clinic is nightmarish, or I'm tempted to ram someone's car off the road because they are too slow to live, I return to that happy time. I see the blue eyes, the chestnut fur/hair. I hear that rousing refrain of times past, times when Lucas brought joy to his fans because he actually cared to work at the product he released; times when he was open to ideas and got valid input from those around him instead of just nose enemas, and I think: Yesssss [drool, drool].

Right. Well, let's clean up here. So, I have my Keefe, Family, Friends. They're the most important thing. The Oxford class that just started this week, that's a good thing. Once it's geared up, I'll let you know about it. We're just in the honeymoon phase of the class right now, getting online and setting ourselves up. Um. I just did a very quick little exercise in my head to list out the things that make me happy. Keefe, Family, Friends, Learning. All other things I came up with revolve around these items. Can't I just sell my crap, move everyone to England, and go to school for the rest of my life? Huh? Please? Yeah, didn't think so.

So where do all my other activities fit in? The interest in politics? People and Learning. Hobbies like scrapbooking, cards, gaming, reading - the same. Singing? Nope. I don't sing for others typically, so guess that one doesn't fit. Writing, though, is about people and learning for me, so that does. I sing every day, though, and it does make me happy. So is my list then Keefe, Family, Friends, Learning, Singing? How ridiculous! But my addled brain seems to accept it now, and it's like each is a side of my homeplate to happiness. As long as I touch a few sides of it as I'm sliding in from work, obligations, social constructs, or my own self-directed fear mongering, I'll have a homerun to happy.

But now I need to get a homerun to sleepytime. But here's a cool link to The Washington Post's Post Politics Hour, which is a daily discussion at 10 a.m. with their Congressional and White House correspondents. The link is to a specific discussion that has a lot of interesting facts about Palin, but you can wander and see more updated, pertinent forays into public versus media political commutation. A point of interest is the discovery that she had taken a per diem payment from the state for over 300 nights that she was staying in her own home. Per diem is to reimburse you for expenses you incur while travelling on the clock, not kicking back in your own house. Geesh.

This race is going to be so much fun. Maybe I should add it to my happiness parameters?

2008-07-10T14:14:00.000-07:00

Found this on The Root regarding Obama's part in the changing race paradigm of the U.S., inspired by Jesse Jackson's recent speechifying faux pas:

http://www.theroot.com/id/47225?GT1=38002

Worth a read as it's a quick snack that has a bite but a quixotically smooth finish.

Suicide Kisses

2008-06-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

I was driving up 405 on my way home from a usability study for Microsoft. Had some fun and got my toy as reward, so not melancholy, despite the weather. I was in a good mood and there was a break in the rain which has been relentless this spring.
My eyes were drawn to a hand fluttering out of a driver's window. I love watching people in the other cars, heading towards something or someone. I imagine their lives, taking those flashes I see and creating a flipbook in my mind of who they could be. All these people clutching cell phones, twining hair, eating, reading (I kid not - saw a woman reading a book propped against her steering wheel while merging onto the freeway. Might have mentioned her before), they each have alternate fates that my insatiable imagination has penned in my mind's eye for them.
But this hand dancing from an SUV didn't provide anything. I like to think it's because somehow I knew that a piece was missing. Sometimes, on sunny days, I'll cruise my arm out the window, orchestrating music or just dancing with the breeze - I'm running alongside the car, in the sun, even when I don't have time to enjoy the warmth and am zipping from errand to meeting. So my imagination had enough to go on with this butterfly hand, but it was stalling on dead air. I was nearly parallel with the SUV, curious now, when the hand swooped inside and then popped back out again, this time with a cigarette.
Such a lovely hand; fine-boned with elegant fingers, youngish, and turned so quickly into an object of pity. The only thought I had was that this woman was slowly killing herself. So no backstory was bubbling up from my creative recesses because it was fruitless, her past. She didn't have much of a future, so forming her past in my head would be a maudlin exercise of futility.
I was passing her by, but my thoughts stayed on her and her smoky hand. How sad, I thought. Interesting that I am so convinced of premature passing with that habit. My mind went exactly there - oops, kiss her goodbye. What a waste. Yet on a more surface level, I'm not sickened by smoking, it's just not for me. But I do have the underlying belief that it shortens lives and that those who do smoke, die younger than they might have. Probably from my father dying as young as he did. And it's just true that every smoker I've met knows they should quit and that it's harmful, but they do it anyway.
It's been hours, and I had forgotten until Keefe was playing GTA IV, smashing his car through police barricades and swooping over pedestrians and I was suddenly reminded. I don't know why. But I felt the need to post a farewell kiss to the suicide girl.
SWAK

Anchoring Tags in HTML

2008-05-21T17:14:00.000-07:00

Good explanation of creating anchors in HTML so you can link to a section of a page you've created, in order to jump to a particular point on the page from a link. I got this from Indiana University's coding pages:

You can also link to a specific part of another document that you have created. In the destination document you use the following markup:

<a name="anchor name">text</a>

In the main document, where the user will see the link, you put the following markup:

<a href="pagename.html#anchor name">text</a>

So in the destination document (which in this case is the Table of Contents (DemoCon.html), you would place the following markup tags somewhere on the page (in this case the last word of the first paragraph).

<a name="Links">current</a>

And in the document (this one) where the link appears, you would place the following markup tags in the place that will be the jumpoff point (which is the sentence that follows the markup example):

<a href="DemoCon.html#Links">link</a>

So it will look like this:

You can use this link to go to the section of the Table of Contents page with the link back to this page!

Just thought it was cool and wanted to share.

Peek a Boo!

2008-05-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, out of commission for a little while there. Holiday, longer work days, and laziness all combined to produce a big batch of -- nothing!

Strangely, I'm not too disappointed with that, though. I've been pretty happy with my Legos, watching Keefe on Grand Theft Auto, and organizing my scrapbooking stuff.

GTA is insane! The gameplay is a bit clunky here and there, though, so in a hurry you can hit your cell phone instead of running or get in a taxi as a passenger rather than jacking it if you stand in the slightly wrong place. Otherwise, loads of bloody goodness with spatters on your car if you mow down the screaming pedestrians and lots of extra fun to be had in the absofreaking huge Liberty City. Wow! They were not kidding around on this map - even if you don't play, you need to see the representation of Times Square. It's beautiful.

As for the campaign stuff, the Congressional District Caucus is this weekend, and now that Clinton has won another pool of delegates, it's a bigger priority than it was just last week. So I'll be going as an alternate and hoping that all the delegates show so I can get out and enjoy the sunshine. Why the decreased focus? Because this caucus is the one that 100+ people are campaigning for (drumroll, please) THREE spots. Three! And each person gets to make a one minute speech. It's going to take HOURS.

I'm not running for this one since I personally feel that the Elections Committee needs to be comprised of individuals with more political experience than I. So since the weather report calls for sunny skies that have seriously been lacking lately, I am praying for everyone to show up with bells on so I can run out into the sun. Oh, please. Please.

Pursuit of Nothingness

2008-04-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

I've had so much fun being a delegate so far, and have found that I love to talk to people about the campaign. A hard task because politics cannot be discussed with just anyone. There are those who get so emotionally invested in such things that they become unreasonable, and make judgements about others who do not share their views. Well, this can even happy without the emotional component. I've done this.
One of the girls in the clinic is a Republican. I used to think that Republicans were people who didn't appreciate advancement; types who felt that the old ways are the best ones, most likely were very religious, and that all this 'new fangled' stuff was for the donkeys. But she's very broad-minded, open to new ideas, has a tattoo, and likes Science Fiction as well as video games. Darn it! But she does have a strong faith perspective.
I'm really happy that I'm wrong, because I detest classification but recognize it as a natural tendency of us humans, so roll with it when the slope gets too slopey. But it really makes me ask what the difference in all this is. I dislike the leanings of politicos lately of wanting everyone to cork themselves into a bottle of one party or the other, such as being required to vote party lines. This is because I've favored candidates from both parties before, though lately that has declined enough that I can seat myself in the Democrat section. Yet now I ask, what does a Republican make? Compare the main national parties:
Republican Democrat

You'll note that I had to use Wikipedia. Fascinating, really. But the Republican party website lists out their ideology quite well, as well as their worship of Ronald Reagan, whereas the Democratic party website only has the last approved platform and a host of links that do not specify Democratic ideology, just lots of contribution and volunteering links. Hmm.
Either way, it's a good thing to read up on and be familiar with terms that are tossed around like lettuce pieces in the salad of today's journalism. One wonders if the pundits have become the pun.
Obviously, I'm having a great time with this and am looking forward to the Congressional District caucus. But I know I don't want to run for the Elections Committee for Washington State at that caucus, since they are responsible for so much. I don't have the background for it. Hopefully, I can play a part electing others who might be willing to suggest me as an At Large Delegate for National. Oooh! Look how easy it is to become a politician!!
Oh, sadness. Laundry calls. I think I'll stay hidden here in the computer room, scrapbooking my little heart out until it's too late for folding.
But two late little notes: I'm successful so far in the poem a day thingy, though I've started writing more than one per day. Curses! It's a good kind o bad, really. And I am now armed with my 360 Achievements for Legos Star Wars. Maybe instead of scrapbooking, I'll go rip the arms off 25 stormtroopers to get my Let The Wookiee Win. Eeee heee hee.

Two Minutes Till

2008-04-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have two minutes to post here before the maudlin hour. I can do it!
We had a great weekend of fun, lots of scrapbooking and I got the craft room organized a little better. Mom and I went shopping today and had a nice time, without feeling too crazed. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow because DG is in a mood and has invited his sister to join the clinic even though I asked him strongly not to. It's going to be fun trying to juggle the responsibility of training her as well as dealing with any nepotism.
Keefe and I had a nice morning, though it's never enough time. He's going to catch up on Battlestar G and finally see The Lost Boys. Weird that he hasn't seen it before. Sadness that Torchwood season has ended with such overblown and yet predictable plotting, but great happiness that Doctor Who is on Sci Fi!
And I'm 25% done with Legos Star Wars! Whoohoo!

Yay!

2008-04-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, reading the titles of this blog may lead one to think that I'm bipolar lately. But I recovered from Monday with a lovely evening of tasty dinner and Doctor Who with Keefe. Then, Tuesday was decent, I got a lot done in the clinic, and now Wednesday has started off with a wonderful surprise.

The Poem A Day guy featured one of my poems! I'm insanely jazzed; I feel like I got published. Here's the link, though you'll have to go to Day 7 Highlights and page down a bit to see me:

So cool

Just had to share. I sent an email to the fabulous writing square ladies because of this and also because I got my most recent project done. It's a short story that might turn into a larger one, and I'm also ridiculously happy about being done. I think it's because I've spent so long on prior projects that being done has always been a big deal. Hopefully, I'll be so much more productive in the future that this will stop being the case.

Yeah

2008-04-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

Does somebody have a case of the Mondays?

Crankiness has a new poster child. Me. I get in to work this morning, late, with the fill-in doctor waiting in the parking lot. The cleaning crew didn't make it, so I'm rushing around trying to clean the place while he's chittering at me.
Why's it so cold in here? Oh, that would be because DG turned off the heat over the weekend. Lovely. Frickin' icebox. So I turn that on and begin to wonder what I did wrong. Why's there hate on me? Just in time for the wave of patients to crash in the door and cry about DG being gone today. More snarky comments about vacation. Actually, no - there's a family member in the hospital. I don't even feel bad for making them feel bad. Another bad.
Then the therapists poke their heads out of the massage rooms, hair plastered to their heads from the sauna-like conditions. I wrestle with the heater, but it insists that it's still only 64 degrees. I lose. Oh, well. We'll call is hot massage and charge extra for it. Worked for yoga.
Lunch begins with everyone leaving, even Mr. Chitters. But he returns, oh so quickly, to request that I turn off the lights in the treatment rooms so he can nap. Fine. The phone rings off the hook while I try to eat lunch and then succeed in dumping my Izzi soda ALL OVER myself and the floor. Then comes the people while I'm mopping it up and trying hard not to smash the candy dish for real; I just do it in my head, over and over and over.
It's only half past two.

Suddenly Maudlin

2008-04-11T00:20:00.000-07:00

I'm still doing the poem a day, which is a lot of fun. I think I'm learning so much just by reading what everyone has posted. Not that I'm applying it or improving. Poetry isn't my thing. Maybe that's why I'm doing this - to try and see if I can improve.

At any rate, most of mine have been fun. My topics have ranged from banana chips to Charlie Brown, to Spring snow. And then there's tonights:

Thursday

Faded junipers
Outlined against the sky, a dull blue
With nonchalant smears of cloud
Painted on by a hand
That now turns away
Leaving droplets of disinterest
To pool and harden

A front lawn crisping
Waiting for sprinklers on Saturday
With running, wet feet and screams
Fading by Sunday
And forgotten by Wednesday
Just an aspiration today
Making it through

It's so quiet here it hurts my ears

Eek. I should have known not to post anything past midnight. It's my maudlin hour.

Democratic Caucus 4/5/08

2008-04-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the Legislative District Caucus, and what a whirlwind. I was hopping around in the cold as a Fred Meyer employee unlocked the doors at 7 a.m. so I could run in and make copies of my campaign flyer. I drove to Lake Stevens High School with doughnuts and butterflies in the stomach to a few cars in the lot. Luckily, I was successful in getting a good number of volunteers to arrive early, so we all were huddled outside in the parking lot, waiting for the doors to open at 8:30 a.m. Once open, the first few hours were a frenzied blur of setting up tables, signing in delegates and alternates, and then campaigning in the packed gymnasium.

I wasn't kidding about that; running as a delegate was highly competitive. Involving speeches, position statements, flyers, and posterboard that left my hands looking like auditionees for the Blue Man Group. There were a good 150 of us running around in between announcements, Q&A sessions, and flute-playing (by the talented Jackie who was helping to MC the stalling sessions) as we waited for the credentialing process.

Each delegate needed to be verified for identity, voter status, and cross-referenced on the list of electees from the Precinct Level Caucuses. Those were the ones that everyone did back in February, electing delegates to go to the LD and County level. Once the verification was completed, we were able to proceed to the question of absentees - and oh, joy. Then verify any alternates that were still around by the same, lengthy process. This seemed to be the main investiture of the day, since we finally got all that done around 2 p.m. (it started in earnest at 10 a.m.).

Things moved pretty swiftly for a while after that, since there were no objections to keeping our LD platform and we heard from local Democrats who were to be running this fall for election. And then came the nightmare prospect of speeches from all those running for the next caucus, the Congressional District Caucus on May 17th.

The CD Caucus purpose is to elect the national delegates for the Democratic Convention in August that we keep hearing about in the news. Those elected here (51 Delegates + 9 Alternates) are "pledged" delegates who must represent the result of the caucuses and will be known as the Elections Committee.

They will be responsible for electing the "At-Large Delegates" (17 Delegates + 4 Alternates), also pledged, who are people like me that are not elected officials of the party, 10 "Pledged Party Leaders" who are elected or posted democrats within the party that also must vote according to the caucus process results, and 2 "Add-Ons" that are unpledged (don't have to vote according to the results of our caucus) from the State Convention in June to go to the National Convention.

Add those to the 17 "Super Delegates," another term heard a lot these days, to equal the full complement of delegates from our state which is 97. About Super Delegates: all are unpledged. They are not required to vote according to the caucus results. So even if Washington State caucus results are 75% for Obama, these Super Delegates could all vote for Clinton if they chose. It's based upon their individual preferences, not our state's results. Super Delegates are elected democrats of the U.S. House and Senate (8), WA Democratic Governor Christine Gregoire (1), members of the Democratic National Committee who live in WA State (7), and The Hon. Tom Foley, as our "Distinguished Party Leader", former Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives (1). Clear as mud? :)

The Elections Committee, formed at the Congressional District Caucus, is the goal of everyone running to be a delegate to the CD Caucus in May. From there, it's National Convention time in Denver, which is where the final determination happens, if things proceed as they have been without a decision, for the presidential nominee of the Democratic Party. Heady stuff.

I'm in CD 1, which is a little dragonet on the map of WA State of four counties: Snohomish, Kitsap, Island, and a sliver of King. Here's the map if you want to see it or find your own in WA. There were so many people running for this CD that we had to be called up in groups to make our 30 second speeches. Sadly, I was last since I was running around as a volunteer and helping where necessary. Mine had to be truncated, the legs of my reason for running and what I can bring were swept off in an effort to conserve time. This was due to the hour - it was already 4 p.m., which was a good hour and half past when we were supposed to be done.

Once the ballots were cast, a few people began to fade away. We had been there all day and a lot of people were thirsty and hungry since there was no break for lunch and we had cleaned out all the vending machines. We were chuckling to think about the poor kids coming in to the high school on Monday and cursing our names since all the soda, water, juice, and snackies were already purchased by the thirsting and hungry Dem masses.

We heard the word for the first round, which I didn't get but a fabulous guy named Reggie did. He and I had been running into each other and feeding off one another's enthusiasm all day, so I was really excited he got it. I campaigned for an alternate position and waited another hour to hear that I GOT IT! I did a little squeak of a 'Yay!' when they read my name. It's such a cool accomplishment, to get something you're trying for, and that moment when you have it is like cool water on the parched lips of anticipation.

Next up are the 44th LD meeting this Thursday and helping with the County Convention to happen this Sunday at Comcast Arena. Suddenly I'm an active, dues-paying member of the Democratic Party because of one charismatic guy running for president who believes in being a part of the process - Barack Obama.

Two-Thumbed Time Bandit

2008-04-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

What is it about seeing beloved film characters depicted as squat and square little stump-legged waddlers that is so damn cool?

Legos has created quite the empire of games, with Star Wars and Indiana Jones, due out this summer. When I first heard about the Star Wars game, I thought "aw - that'll be great for the kiddies."

A year later, I'm playing Legos Star Wars The Complete Saga. Egad! I've succumbed to the Lucas ploy of buying the same thing twice! I have The Original Trilogy, loved it, and still went out and bought The Complete Saga, which has The Original Trilogy and prequel trilogy both. What a maroon!

It's a tough game for me because I'm an OCD gamer. So going through it was hard because I was so frustrated by not being able to get all the Lego Canisters, Studs (money), and other goodies like Power Bricks.

Guess I should explain how it works: First, you go through the game guided by the Story. You collect your canisters, studs, and bricks in between fun little snippets of the movie reenacted with Legos CGI and (very loosely) based on the plot. Then, after playing the entire game, you can go back into Freeplay mode for what you've missed. Or, you can spend your Lego studs on characters to get to areas unavailable in Story mode before then, but it feels like a cop out. Well, it's in Freeplay mode where you can get some of the canisters, and until then you can't have all of them which means you can't get all the Power Bricks. This drives me to clutching my controller a bit too fiercely and twitching. But I'm working on that.

So I have this game and the Original Trilogy to keep me occupied on the Legos front until this summer, when Indiana Jones is due. RockBand, GH3, GTA3 (soon! Ever so soon!), and, I admit, Bejewelled 2, help to round everything out.

But I tripped over this poor film quality, but really fun smash-up of Indiana Jones Legos on YouTube. Damn them. By having the relevant list of videos in the right column, I have seen the hoardes of Legos vids on there. Now I know that all these little videos are out there for me to burn brain cells watching. Maybe you save brain cells when you're charmed and smiling at a program - I mean, you're engaged in it, right? Or you just don't miss them as much with the endorphin's coarsing through the blood and your giggles echoing in the room.

Either way, my gaming has regained its prominent position as a time sucker. If slot machines are the one-armed bandit, my XBox 360 has become my two-thumbed time bandit. And don't even get me started on the Wii.

One Day - But Who's Counting?

2008-04-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

I actually finished that evil little tome and am now able to write with abandon. It was one day off my mark, but I finished it on the oh, so appropriate date of APRIL FOOL'S DAY.

Yeah. That about encapsulates the entire exercise for me. But Huzzah! And only silence answers...

April is the month of poetry. Nationally recognized. I just bet. Spring, flowers, burgeoning - all about the whimsical promise of Spring. So this guy on Writers Digest has coordinated his blog for A Poem A Day in April. Fun stuff.

I posted just now a quick little number. I don't know if I'll follow it through, but it's jolly for the time being. The subject is a prank, and this one is from April (yes, yes - an evening of apropros), an LMP in the clinic who actually pulled this one off on her boyfriend last year:

Let it fly
Smiles swirling around us
But not yours
Your mouth a letter of surprise
Confetti in the air
In your car
From the heater
And from me

Oooh! It's so good to have that ridiculous constraint, that albatross of a novel off my back. A chittering monkey that kept pulling my hair, reminding me of commitments made and disregarded.

Tonight, I recognize myself - I am a Corn Flake. Making cheap allusions, breathy references to paths untaken and a punchline to smooth the rough edges. But I flutter off to the next thing once I think I've made a good go of it. The novel took so long because I tried to make myself be what I'm not - focused and committed to writing. Writing is just a part of me, it's not my life's work. I'm a hack and I kind of enjoy it!

Right now, the only thing I'm really committed to is making the 44th Legislative District caucus a success and getting enough people to sign up as volunteers. Oh, and bringing the sugar so everyone's nicely hyped up enough for some manual labor. Hmm. I seem to be committed to being bossy - but bossy with tasty vittles!

Shock of the Pod

2008-03-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, so I really will recap more of our Gallifrey adventures. For now, Keefe and I did an audio review for the fantastic lads over at DW Podshock. Check them out:

http://www.podshock.net/portal/index.php

It was supposed to be around five minutes or so but turned into 20+ minutes of us babbling about how great a time we had. Hopefully, they'll be able to use it, but considering how long it is, Keefe and I will understand if they don't. If not, I'll get a link on here for it so people can listen and laugh. Could be mildly amusing or vastly uninteresting to you, but if we haven't had a chance to meet in person it could be funny to hear our voices, at any rate.

I have a couple of writing projects that I'm working on and am very excited to report one of them is non-fiction. It's a BF guide and should be hilarious to write since I don't read non-fiction, self-help type guides. I expect it to be a bit snarky and unpublishable, thus purely for my own entertainment. On a less exciting basis, one of them is that heinous novel that I swear is going to be done this month or else. For those of you who know, this is a hollow sentiment and no one in their right mind has any cause to believe this claim. But, in a fit of optimism (with plenty of thrashing and frothing), I will still make the claim and attempt to complete it. Come back in a week's time to read my pathetic dejection when I fail, hmm? Ha! Now I'm guaranteed to do it since I expect to fail. So there!

And one last bit of excitement for me - I'm a delegate for our local caucus process. Ooh, say that fast. Sounds a bit naughty. So I'll keep you up to date on all the fun stuff which begins this Saturday with a local meeting. For delegates, there is actually a campaigning aspect to continuing your delegate status. This includes forms, baby-kissing, fundraising, hand-shaking, and speech-making. Ah, the glories of the political process. Rife with sharing ideas, dreams, and germs. Whoohoo!

Take The Tour!

2008-03-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

A quick little note before more Gallifrey postings. Take the Blog Tour. Seriously.

I have been spending a bit of time every evening lately tripping through the blogs and it's
amazing
beautiful
touching
scary
fascinating
brilliant

So take a couple of minutes and hit Next Blog, check out someone's blog links, and then Next Blog again. I've already been to Europe, Egypt, Guatemala, and a slew of US States just tonight. If you're lucky, you hit a blog that has a good amount of pictures and you can see life blooming on the site.

Anyway, I had to note it while I ignore the host of tasks that are looming around me. *Quit poking at me! I'll get to you in a minute...*

GalliFriday

2008-03-01T00:19:00.000-08:00

So, yeah. We partied so thoroughly Thursday night that I didn't really sleep. I napped for a little bit and then awoke still inebriated. It didn't last long though, since my excitement was able to chase the vertigo away. I bumbled downstairs to get a smoothie from Latitudes at 8 a.m. , determined to galvanize myself in anticipation of the fun to start in two short hours.
Victorious, I headed back to the room with smoothie in hand, glanced up and saw Sophie Aldred coming down the hall. Oh dear. I was so excited I had to bother her. She was simply gracious and didn't seem bothered by the interruption on her way to rejoining her breakfast party (she seemed to have run up to the room to grab some papers and was returning). I asked how she and her family have been enjoying their stay (knowing that they came in a few days in advance of the convention), and she replied that they had a great time in Disneyland yesterday. But a guy walked up and started talking to her with such familiarity that I thought they must know one another, so I awkwardly excused myself. Instantaneously I discovered that he was a fan as well and that I had just missed a nice opportunity to talk with Ms. Aldred. Ah, well! I told myself it was only beginning and I ought to get another chance.
So I rustled Keefe out of bed and we got downstairs in time to see Nicole, register, and run into the Dealers Room. Dan (CaptJackFaceOfBoe) was manning the door as a volunteer, so we said hi and leapt into the bright expanse of merchandise. We should have been banned. See the pic header for Doctor Who on the right and you'll understand.
While shopping, we talked with so many people. Saw Steve and met his wife Sue, saw Justin and met his wife Kathy, and then met John for the first time, though briefly. By chance, we noticed that in the corner were two guys at a table. Looking closer, it was none other than Sylvester McCoy and, we learned momentarily, his son Sam. We wandered over there, curious as to why no one else was mobbing him. It was our deduction that people just didn't realize he was there. He wasn't on the schedule to be in the room, and so people saw what they were seeking, which was merch, instead of Sylvester hanging out and able to do autographs. We bought a really snazzy picture of him as the Seventh Doctor and Sophie Aldred as Ace, and he signed it as well as a figure that we had just bought. Wicked!
We actually had to run our purchases up to the room at this point, since we couldn't possibly lug it around with us. Also, we didn't want anything to happen to the signed Sylvester McCoy figure nor the really cool circa 70's Tom Baker figure that Keefe had found. We were giggling, heading upstairs while everyone else was heading down to the con, our arms full of bags and toys. Comprar!
Knowing that the rest of the weekend would be busier each day, we wanted to get in line for autographs. So we brought the pic we had just bought from Sylvester McCoy to have Sophie Aldred sign it and went looking for the room. Sadly, we had just missed the cutoff. But Keefe, adorable thing that he is, put his hands together and pleaded with Ann, who was the special guest liasion, to let us in. Really, he's so freakin' cute I don't think anyone can resist him. She was so nice and allowed us to go in after monitoring that the line was moving at a decent click.
So we found ourselves in line and very quickly talking with Sylvester again and Sophie. It was great because I had the chance to ask further about Disneyland (her boys were entranced). We also had a fabulous moment of realizing who Rob Shearman is when we saw that he had written the ep Dalek from Eccleston's season. This is the ep that reintroduced the Daleks, setting the tone for the new series and how it deals with previously glossed over issues between the Doctor and the Daleks like the similarities that exist between them. Great stuff. We were quite excited to meet him. Regret washed over us as we realized that Gary Russell was there and we didn't have any comics for him to sign, though. Finishing the autograph gauntlet, we once again had to go to the room to drop off our precious new acquisitions and sprint downstairs to catch more programming.
We caught the end of Lisa Bowerman's interview when someone gaffed and spilled the ending of an audio. There was much groaning over that. Though Keefe and I hadn't gotten into the audios yet, after the con we started listening to and loving them!
After her interview was the joint interview of Sylvester and Sophie, with random questions being asked by an audience member selecting a number. Really fun. Highlight of course was when asked what their favorite toy from childhood was and if they still have it, Sylvester looks down at his lap. From that point on, the subtle nature of the carnal references sharpened into more overt statements, garnering laughter and pinked cheeks from Sophie.
We stayed in our seats for the Opening Ceremonies where all the guests were brought up to the stage. It was short, but funny, and everyone was released for dinner. We had some burgers, realizing that we were starving at this point, and headed up to the room to relax before the evening showing of Time Crash (Children in Need special) and Voyage of the Damned (DW Christmas Special that is still unavailable in the states on DVD). I also wanted to head over to karaoke, where even more people from the forums would be meeting.
Alas, we fell asleep. Blearily checked the time around midnight and decided to give up the ghost. We were done.

No Sleep Since Gallfrey

2008-02-20T00:50:00.000-08:00

Gallifrey 2008 began for us last Wednesday, and I can hardly believe only a week has gone by since experiencing the most amazing whirlwind of a lovefest for Doctor Who fans.
As our new friend Nicole has mentioned in her blog, there was a surreal aspect to the first night and how we came across members of the Con. We all just seemed to drift together, sensing somehow that kindred spirits were near. Or maybe it was just that spirits were near, the comsumable kind, and the bubbling congregation around the bar just had to be excited Con-goers clinking glasses in anticipation of the event.
Either way, within moments we had met Nicole in her wonderfully fun penguin shirt with pint of Sam Adams in hand. And were babbling like old pals on break before a long weekend. And it was a long weekend, bracketed by Valentine's and President's Day, though of course it was over way too quick.
We had left Wednesday night, just one week ago, and got in desperately early on Valentine's Day. Keefe was sleeping and I had run downstairs for some water (wow, this is starting off like The Night Before Christmas - how apropos!) , and Steven Moffat walked into the hotel. I froze. It was 1 a.m. for heaven's sake, so I couldn't bother the man, but I was obviously grinning like an idiot since the bell boy did a double-take to check out the identity of the poor sod with whom I was keeping pace. Moffat has that delightful glower that just screams "I'm a writer! I'm brilliant and tortured!" I picked my tongue up off the floor and headed back to the elevators. Keefe was still sleeping, but I had lost my chance at that now.
So I napped. Wasn't the first time and so far, has not been the last. All I seem to get lately are naps.
But we both got moving at a decent time in the morning which was one day before the official start of the convention. We arranged to go to Universal Studios since we had such a beautiful time when last we had gone, which coincidentally was 10 years ago. We utilized VIP tours, which was a trip and a half. It was a bumpy, scary ride as the driver swept around Century Blvd and its gauntlet of hotels to catch more people. We were sent to a process station like a bag of fish (it felt and smelled that way at least), where disconsolate souls appeared to have been tagged and stacked, waiting for transportation. This had apparently been a long wait, judging by the loss of hope in their eyes, so our opinion fell steadily as the minutes ticked by. We were too snappish in our decision, however, since we soon were tossed on a bus and on the way to Universal.
The drive took a while, but we had a lovely couple from Texas who were a nice distraction. They were excited to see the Hollywood sign, and so we'd turn a corner and a flash of white on the distant hills would turn our heads with an "Oh, there it is!" I love those moments when people, strangers in tandem especially, can shed their adult shells and have a moment of glee.
Upon arriving, Keefe and I jumped out of the bus, grabbed hands, and just laughed at the sight around us. The last time we were here was a huge highlight of that trip - he and I have the most fun together.
We really wanted to do Jurassic Park again, so headed down to the Lower Levels. Have you ever been? The escalator system is like a life-size Chutes & Ladders. Quite the trek. The ride was still the best in the park for us. Keefe lost his hat plummeting down past the T-Rex, which is wonderfully captured in the photo. We found it in the last row of seats, which was great. Much like his clover necklace that had gone missing for a moment back at the airport. Keefe was to the point of eulogizing the jewelry, "It had a good life," when it was found and clutched gratefully in his palm. Oh, we were so soaked from that ride, though. I just had to sit up front! But I'm glad of it.
We did some more rides, almost forgot to do the tour, but did go through the Horror House which was goodness! Frankenstein chased us around the laboratory a bit. I love haunted houses. I was giggling and hopping my way through the whole thing.
Then shopping and we were back to wait for the bus. Now I haven't mentioned how cool the temperature was, nor how blightfully windy! But it was not so evident all day as it was while we waited for the bus. We stood there as the sun slipped from memory and the wind sealed the door. Shivering, the crowd of people grew. Soon, there were 30 or so of us waiting less and less patiently. Around the corner came that bus, and the crowd recognized simultaneously that not all of us would fit on that little bus. And the surging began. No longer was there a polite bubble of space nor intent as everyone jockeyed for position near the front of the line.
The driver, the brave soul, stepped out of the bus and stepped on some necks, cooling the furor. He was a man in his fifties, still handsome, who had the trappings of charisma ghosting his features. His voice, a baritone smoothness, was loud, firm, and so kind all at once that people instantaneously calmed and held out their tickets. He kindly smiled as couple after group were given the hard news that he wasn't their driver; their bus was still on its way. Keefe handed him our ticket, though, and he smiled with more gladness as he said we could get on the bus. The warmth in his voice was lovely but couldn't compare to the warmth of that bus at that moment.
He was like the Sorting Hat personified, and we were able to identify our seats and sit in our House, looking forward. But all those outside, shivering, slowly sobered our smiles. He, kind man, offered any who wanted to sit on the bus for warmth to come aboard. There were a few, but not that many. It felt to me like the hordes of the needy who are left out of the system. Unknowing or resistant to the help available to them. It's frustrating and feels like fear. As though those who need the help the most sometimes don't trust the system not to drive away with them in the wrong direction if they accept the hand and step aboard.
Time came that their bus arrived. Everyone was aboard and we were on our way. We learned that our driver was a retired police oficer and volunteer for a youth program in LA county that helps teens get away from gangs. He was driving that night as a favor to his friend who owns the company. When he smiled, you just knew that this was a man who has seen things and has not lost hope. He turns his smile on everyone he meets and sees the dark and the light, and is rooting for the light to shine on. He worked the LA gang beat in the eighties and nineties the longest, but said that narcotics was the hardest. I don't know his name. That hurts a bit. But his life was so amazing that I didn't get his name.
We talked on the freeway and mentioned that we wanted to go out for a nice dinner. But it was Valentine's and the only place we knew of was away in Redondo Beach. He not only suggested that The Warehouse in Marina Del Rey was better, but offered to drop us there since he had one last drop off to make in that neighborhood. Just an amazing guy. He was right, though - the food was fabulous and we so totally lucked out by actually getting in within a decent amount of time.
If you go, the lobster is fantastic and so are the crab legs. But if you have a ride, get the Volcano. Best rum punch. Biggest rum punch. Made for two. Holy hell. We had two. We meandered into the unofficial opening ceremonies at the Marriott, outside Champion's bar as mentioned previously, and kicked off the Con with Nicole and a great guy from the Outpost Gallifrey forum.
We knew it was gonna be good.

Too many passwords

2008-01-30T12:54:00.000-08:00

Oh, it's so sad. I couldn't remember the password on here for over a year, hence no posting. I had pretty much gone over to MySpace for blogging anyway, but that's been somewhat dissatisfying.

Now I'd like to go back to the days of posting without letting everyone know I'm online so there's no hard feelings about my not replying to emails or comments. Some days I just want to post a quick blog without having to run the social gamut of replies and witticisms.

So here's my quick blog and I'm back to work. As usual.

Moving

2006-10-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

Kind of a theme this past month and a half. My mom moved up from Phoenix, just this past week our wonderful friends moved to Kent, music is moving on, and I've decided to move out of my head. It's too cluttered in here and I need a bigger place to live.
I dropped the blinds in September, and the dust has settled onto everything. I can't seem to Swiffer the sucker out. I'll have just gotten one room cleaned up and organized, and when I move on to the next, I just put everything from that room into the first, making it just as bad as before. My fingers are cold from touching things long left standing in the air, and those cold tendrils cling like spider's silk to me. I think it's spreading.
The pulley on the blinds in each room has broken, so I can't let the light in. And nothing is as distressing as being in a closed, cold, dusty room with the flourescent lights of bitter memories flickering over discarded joys. And why are they tossed aside? I think it's because my fingers are so cold from handling past disappointments that those pretty things fall from my grasp. And then there's a phone call. Or someone knocks on the door, and you wander from those pretties. Dust gathers so quickly, that by the time you come back they are coated with neglect, dulled by distraction, and cold from the loss of your warm attention.
I've tried closing the door on those rooms, but I'm down to just the kitchen now. And I can't live here anymore. So I tried to go back to the rooms and toss out the things that I thought couldn't be saved. And put them in the garage because I'm a packrat. I still haven't called the Blind to come and pick up those donations. I'm so pissed at myself, because I know that someone else could make better use of my discards than I. But I hold onto them because it's a promise to myself that I know I can leave unfulfilled. It'll always be there if it's in the garage - I can just go out and get it anytime. So I made it look appealing and felt a sense of accomplishment for doing it. I gave myself the credit like I'd actually gone through it all and really cataloged it, reinstated some, and truly identified what should go. But I didn't do that. I just put it into colorful boxes with vague labels and patted myself on the back. Went out and bought other things to fill up those rooms again, luster turning into tarnish relatively overnight.
Once I realized what I'd done, I decided to sell this place. Move out of my head. But that's just the same problem except I'd give up the security of going into the garage and bringing out old pretties to console myself. But maybe that's the answer to breaking this bad, bad habit. Take away my security like a baby blanket (mine had clowns, which I hate now. Huh. Random ~ ). I packed up the boxes of what I thought I could keep in those rooms and was walking for the door when I stopped. Looked around. Thought about renovating...but no, I should really go. But my hand wouldn't reach for the doornob.
So I stood there, in my head, a few boxes of worthiness at my feet, and really thought about the place. I'm still here, thinking about it. It's not a bad place, now that I'm ready to leave it. What keeps us here, in our head and our intentions, our same old patterns of thought, belief, habits? The galaxy moves in patterns that minutely shift every millisecond, so there are no real examples of true stability to reference when considering why people stay in the same place and/or headspace for most of their lives.
I don't want to be one of them. My wanderlust is not just a result of moving around a lot as a child, it's part of my worldview. 'Repetition is death, Frankie (Bucket of Blood - really funnycool old horror flick).' How can I learn anything when I hide in my head and my good intentions? I run through my head and rip down the blinds. My place is like new. It's just that the last tenant didn't clean up very well. I've got a lot to do.
But now I've moved.

Little Haven

2006-10-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

I did indeed switch over to a blog on MySpace, but have found the idea of continuing this one, just for me, to be quite satisfactory.
I flaked out of the jimmystuarts thing - we couldn't hook up our schedules and when the lead singer didn't call me back I figured that was a sign and let it go. Found out later that they thought the same thing. Hmm. Obviously not meant to be. And thank goodness, since most of my time last year was consumed with work, school, and Ryewire. Ryewire burned brightly, started guttering, and due to a little rampant self-destruction of one member, fizzled just last month. I can still smell the sulfur in the darkened, quiet room.
This past summer, I found a lot of enjoyment doing theatre again and finishing FREAKING FINALLY my Associates Degree. I wrote a few pieces that I'm preparing for submission and - that's it. My mom moved in with my hubby and I, so we've been adjusting.
I'm still working crazy hours, not really taking care of myself, and am losing touch with friends whom I dearly love. How can you hold onto the pieces when they're made of wax and your hands are burning with self-recrimination?

Waxing & Waning

2005-03-26T00:02:00.000-08:00

Tigger didn't stay. He went back to the breeder after showing symptoms of some major separation anxiety. There are now two HOLES in the wall of our laundry room where he stayed during the whole five hours he was by himself during the day. Yikes.
So, since then, we've been waxing with the rockstar moon. Keefe's band, Ryewire, has taken off. A show every weekend, where I help man the merch table. I've had a true blast with this - but what makes me very happy this week is that school is over for now.
I was a crazy woman for thinking I could handle a class as well as my 12 hour day workweek and some weekends. Added to that was a late show every Friday and/or Saturday night. Crime in Italy.
Anyway, I'm now enjoying a slight hiatus - a waning of the rockstar moon for this weekend. No show. Sadly, I'm a trifle disappointed. But next week through the summer, there'll be one every weekend, so I should enjoy this while it's here.
I'm going to switch my blog to My Space since there's the possibility to have pics, music, and lots more options available. Don't know when that'll happen, but I'll post the switch when it does.
Oh, and hey! I actually nearly achieved all of my goals for this spring - I auditioned for a band (we're currently working through some ideas - www.jimmystuarts.com), nearly finished book, played Scrabble with MomJ, took a class at the community college, and have gotten outside every time it's sunny! I think the karaoke bar thing can be forgiven if I do the band thing, and maybe I will take martial arts lessons sometime this year. But goody for me to actually achieve some goals even while life is so crazy manic!
Oops! Back to work *cracks whip*!

Tigger Mania

2005-03-21T13:38:00.000-08:00

Hey,
What an amazing month of puppiness. He's surely kept us hopping and by now you would have to deduce that we did indeed keep the puppy. Yessiree, we did and alternately affirm and regret the decision.
He's so cute when he plays and sleeps - he's already sitting, staying, and using a leash(affirmation).
What a holy terror! He tore into the WALL because he was bored (regret).
That was certainly a kink in my plans for goals this Winter, but I'm giving myself a little leeway due to the unexpected acquisition. I am nearly done with the book, did send out cards that I made for Valentine's and intend to do more for Easter this week. Haven't auditioned for a band, but my husband is now in a band - Ryewire. That's freaking fabulous news. Haven't sung karaoke, but at least I'm exercising my voice on a regular basis. And MomJ and I arranged to play Scrabble this summer when we do our Christmas cards. Didn't go dancing or take lessons, but I'm signed up for a Business course at the Community College this coming quarter. And I have gone out every day it's been sunny - and there's been so many it's quite an accomplishment.
I have some ideas for goals for this Spring but need to get our taxes done before I can set those up. And my evil plan is to have the book done when I report the next series of goals - here's to hoping!

Puppy Power

2005-02-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

Just over a week ago we began 'seeing' a puppy - an eight week old tweeny dachsund named Tigger. He's with us for a two week trial basis since we were unsure if we were up to the challenge.

And it's been a challenge every day, tempered by melt-your-heart "awww". Here's a day in song (You know the melody - so sing it with me!):
12 indoor poo bombs
11 minutes of whining
10 chores undone
9 moments of cuteness
8 trips outside
7 tattered dish towels
6 hours of sleep
5 games of fetch (every twenty minutes)
4 hours of fun
3 sloppy kisses
2 leary lovebirds
and a very sweeet puppy

We'll see...

Bad...Continued

2005-01-25T23:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, game on.
The whole point of this is that I need to have a little self-control. The siren song of the XBox has already beckoned me towards the reef, but I didn't get dashed upon the rocks...that time. I resisted it yesterday, but I'm heading in for about an hour of fun since I did repent. Maybe I should use the games as a carrot cum reward. For every task accomplished, say a chapter written, I can play a half hour. Each vocal practice equals a commensurate unit of play.

At any rate, here's my to-do list for Winter (need not be sequentially accomplished):

Finish Book
Audition for band
Sing karaoke at a bar
Go dancing (can be substituted with dance or martial arts lessons)
Play Scrabble with MomJ
Make and send cards (I make them but don't send them, usually)
Go outside any time it is sunny

There's so many things that popped into my head while making this list. Obligations, duties - things that I berate myself for again and again. But these types of things will not bring joy and change to me. Feeling guilty and whipping myself for things I have not done won't free me from the undertow. Nor will it quench my thirst.

Breathe. And let it out.

Bad Bad Leroy Brown

2005-01-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

January 24th is, according to a British psychologist the 'most depressing day of the year.' Why, you may ask? Perhaps for many, wouldn't that be February 14th? (And honey, sometimes that can happen even with a sweetie).
No, the 24th is the day this psych accomplished with a high falutin' formula based upon the days after Christmas, the weather, and the days it takes to break most or all of those resolutions from the New Year. Actually, that most likely occurred within 5-7 days following the puffed-chest pronouncements of the newly reformed.
Unless you're me, of course. I'm a procrastinator, sure. But apparently an overachiever as well. I made the pronouncement that I would keep that gaming to 2 hours per day and I broke it last night! Played about 2 1/2 Halo and 3 Battlefront. All right!
Oops, more later. Have to drop off car at shop.

The Borg Directive

2005-01-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

To become part of the creative collective, I need to follow these steps:

I will not lie to others - Nor to myself
I will not dream my life away - Nor stop dreaming
I will not play more than two hours of Battlefront a day - Nor Halo (this is not separately cumulative:)
I will always have a notepad available for thoughts - And ideas
I will be healthy - Both mentally and physically
I will enjoy one thing per week that I have never done - Or I find daunting

Now I need to compile a list of things that I want to do this season (Winter) and do each season of the year. As a Queen Procrastinator, I can't give myself a list for the whole year because then I'll wait until December and set myself up for failure.

I'll have those by COB Monday.

Curling the Linked Chain

2005-01-17T13:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today is better. I'm sitting at work and thinking about this blog. So I go surfing during lunch and come across some lovelies:
http://blog.stonyrubbish.com/

So pretty - with pictures and thoughts. Has a lot of links to other worthy nodes on the bloghead.

I toyed with the idea briefly of joining a Seattle bloggers group. But alas, I am such a neophite I shrink from this exposure. I think I'll just read about what others do and try to get my hands into the clay by watching others.

What the hell am I doing?

2005-01-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

A call for my ages - I read back in my journal. Ever done that? Just pick a page and see who you were then. Well, it's been five years since I wrote about starting in my writing group. It's the last time I was all fired up about my plans. Working on a book, singing, having a direction.
Since then, I've been thirsty and convinced myself I don't know why. I curl my hair around my finger, tilt my head and go "Gee, what's wrong with me?" I have no motivation.
I am once again what I thought I couldn't be - a hausfrau with wilted dreams. Because I've never watered them!
I got married, bought a house, dreamed and dreamed. I've been feeding my dreams with more dreams, so they die. Caught up in alternate storylines. And I've felt vaguely guilty about that. I go to Vegas and explode, I come home and die.
But man, I'm just starting on my thirties (like being 16 for guys), and it's really beginning to bug the shit out of me. I play Battlefront with so much more fervor these last few weeks, I tell ya.
So this log. Write every couple of days. Hope someone will write something back to me to inspire or piss me off - because the only way my ass gets moving is when I'm really gut-wrenchingly angry or ashamed.
And man, I was both earlier. I talk to myself while doing the dishes - trying to vocalize what the fuck is up with me. And I realized that I haven't done anything truly new for so long. I've listened to new music but I haven't gone anywhere truly new. I go to work, come home and do more work and housework. I'm drowning in my responsibilities and have nothing to show for it. I thought I could at least count on a da Vinci education - real life over pretentious memorization. But it hasn't materialized because I, like most I know, am the opening scenes of Shawn of the Dead. Just a zombie without the fun Fx.
And so this strange juxtaposition of eternal drowning and the burning thirst.