"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."
Mumford & Sons
It appears that I am bound by my conceptions. I don't want to cut these ties that are holding me because sometimes they hold me together. But at this time, I am bound by them. So I need to untie them for a bit and proceed.
I'm sitting in the clinic, struck by loss. Surriya, the doctor's mother in law, has passed away. She was beautiful - a radiant person with a smile and courage as she fought cancer. We had a connection - I think I loved her upon first meeting her. I haven't been able to grieve these past two weeks since she passed because I'm holding down the fort at the office and it's once again a person with whom I am peripherally involved but has strongly impacted my recent life. She brought persimmons from home when she visited. I loved to see her smile. And I've kept a pink sweater that is three times too small because she thought I would like it. Once again, someone who shows everyone with whom they interact a gentle, shining soul is gone, and I have to absorb how their impact on me can be turned into something good as a tribute.
It's Father's Day tomorrow, and for some reason it's hard this year. Actually, I know why. I'm going to pick up the sword and make a run through the gauntlet. Dad's life's work - I can't put it off any longer or it will fade away. I don't know how long it will take me to work through the codes, research the historical references, and apply the information. I suspect I have two to three books on my hands. Or on my head, really. Taking a deep breath...
I know just four months ago I posted about how I can't wait for the time when I have nothing to do. School ended two months ago and I'm falling into a dank well of self-recrimination. It's good that I had time to identify that my aspirations aren't about accolades or a tally sheet to justify my existence. I just can't drink the mundane waters of 'getting by' and thrive. I diminish.
So now I have to acknowledge that I need these outlets - all of them. I will never choose just one thing to do and do it really well. I will flail; I am a Cat o' Nine Tails hitting several targets at once. And if it's never a bullseye, it's okay because I'm still taking down the enemy: Complacency.
That's a part of who I am. Just like falling in love with people, even when I don't feel as though I have expressed that love or gotten enough time with them. Whomever is involved in my life is loved.
Today I will pull the cord and let the ties fall to the floor. I'll be back for them later.
- ► 2008 (20)